I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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