Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
