yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
