Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
