youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
