Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
