In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
