First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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