I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
