i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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