Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It's official drugs can't kill me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
