how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
