I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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