I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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