Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Found the puke drawer
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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