In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
