I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got inside last night via doggy door
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
