he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
