you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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