I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
