I didn't shave. On purpose
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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