I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Church boner. Awkwardddd
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
