I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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