Plan B is the new Plan A
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
