eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
