Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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