You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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