Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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