No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
