1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think i peed on brittanys purse
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Operation Purity has been aborted
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
