I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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