i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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