i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
