He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
