I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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