my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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