why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
