i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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