Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
