Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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