wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Floor bacon is actually really good
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
