Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There's even glitter on my cock...
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