Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
