all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
