The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
