You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
