i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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