allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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