I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
