I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
