neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
